Life has a tendency to fly by. The days turn into months which turn into years. Before you know it, you are fifty years old and no longer considered cool. You are now referred to as “sir” or “ma’am”. Everything hurts and you groan when you get out of bed. I woke up one morning and said, “self you are no longer a spring chicken. This got me to thinking about how I missed the signs that I was getting old. So, I came up with the 15 signs that I apparently misssed.
- Your bladder limits how far you can travel. You can’t pass by a bathroom without stopping to pee. You don’t even have to go but you stop anyway “just in case.” You have to get up multiple times during the night because you can’t hold it until the morning. Our bladders are now the size of a peanut and require maintenance every 30 minutes.
- Hair in all the wrong places. You no longer have hair on your head because it all decided to grow on your back and in your ears. Being outside in the winter no longer requires a coat due to the mink that has formed on your back. Your nose hairs look like tarantula legs reaching out to snag its prey.
- “When I was your age…” has become your favorite saying. We have became our parents who think that everything was better in our generation.
- Car insurance is now cheaper but life insurance is expensive. I guess if we would go the speed limit we might be a bigger risk but we are not in a hurry to get anywhere. Therefore, we are eligible for all the driving discounts from insurance companies.
- 6 am is now when you get up and not when you get in. I can’t stay up past midnight without falling asleep. We would rather stay home and watch re-runs of the Dukes of Hazzard than spend all night out partying on the town.
- 80’s and 90’s music is considered classic rock. When you get old, your type of music is now on the station that doesn’t pick up unless there isn’t a cloud in the sky, you are on top of a large hill, and you hold your antenna high in the air. The large stations now play Rap and music that doesn’t sound like music but resembles someone repeating the same words over and over while beating on a bass drum.
- My children’s bedtime is now two hours later than mine. People call me at home around 9 pm and ask if they woke me up knowing that I had already been asleep for two hours.
- I received an invite in the mail from AARP and I qualify. This happened to me the other day. At first I was offended before I figured out that I qualified for some pretty cool discounts.
- My knees buckle but my belt won’t. When I go to get up, my knees buckle and I almost lose my balance. My belt no longer buckles with the last hole and I had to make another hole making the belt strap stick straight out in front of me.
- The little old woman you have to help cross the street is my wife. My wife hasn’t got there yet but its coming.
- Can’t find my reading glasses because they are on top of my head. This happens to me at least two or three times daily. I actually now leave several pair in my truck and house just so there is always a pair around.
- I know at least three people who have died in the last year but am glad that I wasn’t one of them. Dying is a fact of life but the older I get the more I pay attention to the obituaries section of the paper. I now follow the “lost but not forgotten” pages on Facebook and am relieved when I don’t see my name listed.
- All my sports and movie heroes have retired. Growing up I was a fan of Pete Rose, Johnnie Bench, and Ken Griffey. They have all retired and now are pushing 70. Ken Griffey’s son played in the majors and has retired also. Clint Eastwood is now eighty years old and looks like he has already died but no one has told him. He was the man when I was growing up.
- I can’t believe that people who were actually born in 2000 can already vote. I work with guys now who were born in 2000. I have underwear older than them.
- Sitting down has become my new hobby. When I am in church, My pastor always asks everyone to stand for prayer but I am praying to sit down instead. When I go shopping with my wife, she shops for clothes and I am shopping for somewhere to sit down.
Somehow I have overlooked these odvious signs that I have gotten old. If you are over the hill, what signs gave you a clue that parachute pants are no longer in style? Post your comments below.